Hi, It's been awhile
I'm crawling out of my hibernation.
September 29, 2023
The End of An Era
I knew by August that there was no way in hell I could renew my lease. It was time to go back to school, and I could hardly afford things as is. I had to find more affordable housing so I could focus on my degree. It was a very practical decision, but I had no idea how intensely it would affect me emotionally.
My very basic one-bedroom apartment was a sanctuary for me the past year. I know, all I talk about is death and divorce, but that was my life in 2022-2023. The grief was deep and shocking and bottomless at times, but I had my safe place on good days and bad days. I had something that was mine, that I worked my ass off for. I had a place to cry and laugh and eat and sleep and I cherished it. When it was time to say goodbye, I had my first panic attack in months.
The move was chaotic, I was unorganized, and my brain felt like pop rocks until like…yesterday. At the same time as my move, I was also going through a dynamic shift with a close friend. Looking back, it wasn’t a huge deal. But at the time, it was one more source of comfort that was changing, while everything else was changing. I am deeply embarrassed about ever talking about a crush, but I should probably grow up and admit publicly on the internet, I have one from time to time. The night we decided to let go of the physical side of our relationship, a lot of change hit me all at once. I woke up to them tearing up my parking lot, a lot of empty moving boxes, and a pile of feelings I didn’t want to face.
I’m absolutely fine, but here’s a sad girl poem about facing a lot of change in autumn.
Asphalt
“We’re risking things,” I said
“We should quit while we’re ahead,” he said
“I know,” I replied as I buried my head.
“Why do you look so sad then?” he asked
“Because I want both! But I know this can’t last.”
“In a perfect world, it could work.” I dreamed
Triple words trapped behind my eyes gleamed.
“It’s not a perfect world,” he said
“I know,” I replied as I buried my head.
He pleaded, “I want to stay your friend.”
I agreed, defeated–but I didn’t want it to end.
It’s the end of an era
And I didn’t get a second to mourn what I lost
I remembered he was gone
I awoke to the smell of asphalt so strong.
They’re tearing it up all around me
It’s the end of an era
And I am completely stripped
But mostly unscathed.
I occasionally feel a twinge in my heart
And it feels like it’s caved
I made too much of everything
And fell behind too late.
